Reflections on Modeling Adulthood

In math there are two different generalized concepts for describing systems, discrete and continuous. Think steps compared to curves, pixels to brush strokes. Lately, I’ve been thinking about careers and adulthood because, like any self-respecting Millennial, I am entitled, badly groomed, can barely hold a job, and am always on the verge of moving in with my parents.

So anecdote time. I was washing my hands in the office bathroom the other day and caught a glance of some stubble on my chin in the mirror from the horrible job I did shaving (See above note on being a millennial). For whatever reason, that reflection of myself in a badly fitting dress shirt and sartorially incorrectly matching slacks and shoes unnerved some deep hidden fear within me. “What if people mistake me for an adult just because I almost look like one? Shouldn’t I be wearing a sign that says Adult-in-Training across my forehead like they do for student drivers?” Thoughts that have been lingering ever since I started working welled up again; self-doubt about whether I really know what I’m doing or if this has all just been a really elaborate sham. There’s a quote from the beginning of one of my favorite movies that perfectly captures these emotions, spoken by a DoJ lawyer:

“At the same time...I always get this clenched-up thing the night before the first day...
I think I'm gonna lose. I think I suck. I think my case sucks. I haven't prepared enough. My exhibits aren't in order. People are gonna figure out that I don't know what I'm doin'. And I've had this charade going for years.”

These feelings come in and out like a tide, and for the most part have started gradually decreasing the more comfortable I get in my role. “Fake it til you make it” the adage goes. But there are still times when it feels like my stomach just drops. When all the faces in a meeting room turn to you expecting a technical answer for a portion of the project you are responsible for. When the inevitable slight missteps happen and you unknowingly happen to trip over some unspoken social rule and have to do damage control.

Don’t get me wrong, I relish the challenge and the opportunities to grow. There is an element of Faith and trust in the idea that challenges are put in front of us to help us grow, and that our identities are not found in our labors, nor our worth in a paycheck. But what interests me is this question about when, if ever, you finally “get it.” When you’re mature enough to earn the title of “adult.” When you finally look in the mirror and what you see aligns with how you feel. I remember reading biographies about famous people when I was younger and being astounded by the sheer number of jobs some of them had before leaving their marks on the world. Jack London was a laborer, factory worker, oyster pirate, sailor, railroad hobo, and gold prospector. Teddy Roosevelt was a soldier, explorer, naturalist, and author before he even entered politics. Einstein was a patent clerk. I wonder if they ever caught a weird reflect in a mirror and had these thoughts run through their heads in any one of those jobs.

So returning to that initial dichotomy. Very often, continuous systems are made up tiny discrete elements. A computer image, or the up and down quarks or whatever current particle physics explanation is now in vogue. My current theory is that life is made up of all those little instances where we are evaluated on this scale of maturity. And amongst these multitudes of moments, a picture emerges of who we are.

Child. Child. Adult. Child. Adult. Adult. Child. Adult.